It’s time to come clean for everyone with a story which has gone viral since April 1 last week. News Corp has not made an offer on the Twin Town Times. Although many people realised the story was an April Fool last week on Facebook, many people who read it on the Web did not.

Feel free to read on if you would like, its all a big joke!…..

The Twin Town Times has received a monetary offer for the fiercely independent and famous newspaper.

Rupert Murdoch dropped in to the shopfront at 10 Neill St Harden, after returning to his Wee Jasper property, with new wife Jerry Hall. Murdoch’s News Corp comprises 111 newspapers including trusted titles, The Australian, The Daily Telegraph, The Herald Sun, The Courier Mail, The Advertiser and The Mercury.

Owner of the Twin Town Times, Matthew Stadtmiller said “We are very happy that a man of Rupert’s experience and knowledge would like to see the Twin Town Times in his stable. The offer was more than fair and we thank him for it, however, we cannot sell the paper, it isn’t ours to sell really anymore. It is owned by the locals who buy it each week and help us produce it through their contributions, tips and assistance. We will continue to offer independent journalism and advertising for our business partners on several platforms including print, online and in video. We thank Rupert for his interest”

Long term employee Matthew Malone said “Stadtmiller was silly not to take the offer, it was a great offer and Murdoch would be able to steer the paper in the right direction. I struggle to put up with Stadtmiller’s ideas at times, which include 45 minutes of calisthenics in the morning and again after lunch at 2pm. The back yard of the shop front is not conducive to such exercise. When I have nothing to do during the day he hands me a sowing machine and soccer ball leather and expects me to keep my rate at a minimum of 55 balls an hour. He asks me to try and set a new record and then to beat it. On top of this, his hate for Fairfax Media is draining. All he does is whinge and whine about their publications and it prevents me from doing my work. Look, I don’t want to use the word deranged, but I just have and that is how I see the bloke. Basically the conditions are pretty tough at the Twin Town Times and a change in ownership to come under the News Corp banner would be green lit, if I got a say in it.”

Long suffering mother of Stadtmiller and fellow employee Trish Stadtmiller was also scathing of her son’s decision and the work environment. “I have made a few bad decisions in my life” said Trish. “Matthew has been a part of the majority of them. The first one was bringing him in to the world after an accidental mating with my husband Adrian. It’s all gone downhill from there for Matthew and myself. I have gone from doing some proof reading on Wednesdays to basically running the paper now. My list of duties have definitely expanded and when fellow employee Matthew Malone  is unable to reach his soccer ball sowing quota, I cop it. My son stands over me and shouts ‘If you don’t get those balls done, you’ll be done at the Twin Town Times.’ I’m not getting paid anyway! He said when my work reaches a suitable level of quality I will be suitably remunerated. At the moment he shouts me a meal from the pub a couple of times a week and then has the hide to invoice me for the electricity and water costs for the time I spend at the office. Murdoch would have been a Godsend. Matthew has continued to disappoint me with his decision making, since I first laid eyes on him 31 years ago.”

Heide Grange from Grange Creative has provided much of the graphic work since day one. She said “I want Murdoch to buy the paper out and do it now. Stadtmiller rings at all times of the night demanding adverts and interrupting my social and family life. My husband, Ben won’t even have a beer with him any more. He said ‘The big fellas lost the plot and exhibits some fairly strange behaviour. He asked me how I went on a sowing machine and then said he would fund a TAFE course for me to improve my skills, if that was what I wanted. I’m pretty happy working at Essential Energy. Last time I went fishing with the bloke he was using a bag of lollies to catch Cod and we moved from the good fishing spots so he could get phone service. Last wedding I attended he was at, he poured red wine all down my shirt and ruined my night. The bloke is a Yobbo. The best thing he could have done is take Rupert’s offer for my sake and my family’s sake.”

Local Legend and well known sports writer Paul ‘Wings’ McCarthy said “Murdoch knows how to run newspapers, Stadtmiller doesn’t! He doesn’t have a clue. I’ve been writing for over 30 years and I haven’t seen such a wide array of stories covered since the Gregorians attempted to cover Michael Jackson’s back catalogue with their chanting versions. He has published stories about lost dogs, forced amalgamations for country Shires and a story on a local man who set a new world record for standing on one leg and barking like a chicken. He will cover anything!

Stadtmiller responded to the claims made by employees, family and friends with the following sanitised media release. “The Twin Town Times is listening to the concerns made by employees, family and friends and will be addressing those issues in a receptive and mutually beneficial way.”

The Twin Town Times commenced operations in January 2014 and has continued to prove to be the dominant and favourite local paper for Harden Murrumburrah and surrounds. It was established 12 months after the Fairfax owned Harden Express merged their office with the Cootamundra Herald in Cootamundra, leaving the township without a newspaper shopfront at the time. The Twin Town Times is the only local newspaper with a local shopfront and employs 4 people. All of those people are born and bred in the area and boast over 150 years of local knowledge. We would like to thank you for reading our first story to be posted on April 1 2016 and appreciate your continued support. If Rupert does see this article, we would be happy to meet with him and discuss a purchase price. We can be contacted at editorial@twintowntimes.com.au

Yours sincerely

The Staff of The TTT.